Inside of Love   Leave a comment

It’s Day Two at my ex’s house. It’s my house too, of course, but in our gap, it’s alternately “mine!” or “fine, you take it!” The trailer with my stuff was dropped off a couple of hours ago, and so far I have decided not to unload it and find somewhere else to store it at least two or three times. But we are pretty seasoned processors, and so have gotten through our triggers rather quickly. We are healing our gap.

And some pretty nasty stuff is coming out of the gap. Stuff that we judged as waaay too unloving to say during our 20 years together. In fact, since we have brought a hell of a lot of stuff out of our gap already, we are dealing with the yuckiest stuff yet. In some ways, the most button-pushiest.

Gonna get into it, babe/ Down where it’s tangled and dark/ Way on into it, baby/ Down where your fears are parked

Gonna tell the truth about it babe/ Honey, that’s the hardest part/ When we get through it, baby/ You’re gonna give up your heart

–Bonni Raitt, Tangled and Dark 1991

“You are a spoiled brat!” didn’t bother me as much as it might have, as I have worked through a lot of my issues with being from an upper-middle class family and needing  a hell of a lot of financial support. My family didn’t start out that way, but my parents were in the right place at the right time. My ex is almost a generation older than me, and his parent weren’t able to provide him with the same resources. I have worked hard on my “class issues,” learned so much about the invisible privileges built into the system, and hope to do some educating of my brethren down the road.

On the other hand, being lumped in the same category with The Other Woman–that one still gets to me. “I am not the same! We are different! If you can’t tell the difference between us, there is something wrong with you!” my rage screams back. I want to tout all the reasons why, all the Exalted Work I have done, etc., etc.. And yes, that is true about my healed parts. The parts of me that are already inside of love. And I *might* have more of me inside of love than the average bear.

But my farts do not smell like roses. My shit that is still in the gap is still in the gap, just like everybody else’s shit. And that is what his rage is complaining about. My denials, and how they have impacted him. How, out of love and/or guilt, he has let them run over him. And how he is NOT going to let them do that ANY MORE!

So, more power to him. I have amends to make.

At this point in my process (Thank MotherFatherGod) I was able to just step away from the gap and cry and pray for loving acceptance for everything that was coming up, even if I didn’t really understand what it all meant, or what my part was in it. I just kinda assume that if it’s up, there’s something in it I will eventually need to own, so I might as well git to it. And in a little while I was able to say “I hope you can–I hope you will accept my amends as I am able to make them.”

And suddenly he was crying, and saying “Me, too.” I would like to say that we hugged there and then, but it took me a few more minutes to get off my high horse. But I finally did, and when I did, I received the gift of clarity that what we were actually doing was healing the gap, right then and there. That has crystalized further by writing this post.

I then updated Elwood, because I want to give him a sense of what this process is like, when you get down into it. I shared about the vows that my ex and I took when we got married, and how they have evolved to a simple declaration that we want to keep everything “inside of love,” as best we can.

But I still have sleep to catch up on, so I will save that story for another day.

Posted February 12, 2018 by heartofindigo in by Indigo, Uncategorized

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What a long strange trip…   Leave a comment

It’s been seven years since my last post, so I thought it might be time for an update. I’ve got a bit more healing under my belt, and I guess you could say I’m ready to begin my Mission…

Elwood:

It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

Jake:

Hit it.

Blues Brothers 1980

I’ve felt the threads coming together for a long time now, and have had to trust my intuition (Thanks MotherFatherGod) that though I could not write that damned elevator speech, I *do* have a real job. I have been pulled along, trying not to fall out of the net, lashing myself to the mast of my healing intent as the Earth is rocking and rolling along with Her own healing path. Clearly, no stone is going to be left unturned. And no metaphors unmixed.

As time has been speeding up these last few months, I have been squeezed through the eye of the needle and been forced to face my denials, one after another after another after another, and I’ve taken the position that it’s all for a purpose. What else is there to do? Resistance is futile.

I am in the hands of The Great Weavers, and apparently they need me to be squeaky clean–at least relatively speaking–so everything that I put in “the later bag” is all coming out. And then some.

I’m just so grateful I have a foundation of emotional process work, a relationship with Spirit, Will, Body and Heart, inside and out, that has allowed me to embrace the triggers and go quickly and deeply to see what I needed to see, about why I am getting the reflections and triggers I am getting, what I need to learn, what judgments I need to release, what feelings I need to feel, what amends I need to make, what actions I need to take, and whoops! on to the next one!

I’ve had to abandon so many precious judgments. I’ve discovered that yes, EMDR works, EFT/tapping helps, the 12 steps aren’t so bad, the stereotypes about Californians are truer than I wanted to admit, the ones about Southerners aren’t, I’m not that good of a driver, it is possible to survive without sugar (and probably coffee, too, dammit), I basically don’t have a clue about a lot of things, I could survive more heartbreak than I had ever been willing to feel before, I don’t have to do it all myself, everybody hurts, and that it is worth it to take a chance on love.

That last one, especially. I’m so freaking grateful for everything that has gotten me to this moment in time…

I have found my Elwood. (I figured I must be Jake, since I am gluten-free, and all Elwood eats is dry toast.)

I had so much fear and doubt, but he kept showing up as I kept telling him my truth, as best I could. I really wanted him to know what he was getting into. I kept challenging him. Stating my bottom lines. Yes, we had been friends for a long time, and he knew my Littles quite well, and the attraction had been building (and building… it’s been a long dry spell, people!) But a relationship? Especially the one he could see? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there, fella! I’m not ready to settle down! He was looking at houses on Zillow for goodness sakes.

But I was willing to let him come out and help me “finish” packing <cough-denial-cough> and drive across the country. We figured by the end of the trip we would either shake hands and say no harm, no foul, or we would be engaged.

He met my Dear Father (DF) while loading up the trailer that a moving company would then drive. By this point, I was so exhausted because of the above-mentioned denials coming home to roost, all I could do was hide in the bathroom and cry, ignoring the sound of boxes a-tumbling down as they worked out how to stack them up in the smallest square footage possible.

That hurdle crossed, the next was dinner. Dear Mom is, of course, not happy to see me moving away, and though I made that decision pre-Elwood, he caught the flak. DM was inexplicably upset that I am still married, though she is mad at my ex for breaking my heart, and I moved out three years ago. However, Elwood scored points by helping her set up a throw-away email account so she could save a YouTube video to show DF. (“This is my sexy getting ready song” literally had me rolling on the floor laughing–go see it if you haven’t.)

We pulled out of town two days (and four hours that REALLY ANNOYED Elwood) later than scheduled, but it finally happened. We had a full tank of gas…

I haven’t even gotten to the actual long, strange trip, yet. I need to wrap this up and get to bed. My stuff is going to be delivered tomorrow, and I have yet to arrange for help to get it off the truck or figure out exactly where I am going to put it! (I’m staying with my ex at our house. We plan to put it on the market, and I was here working on it last summer. However, he just spent two weeks in the hospital, which he did not tell me about until I got to Texas, because he knew how much stress I was already under, bless his heart!)

I’ll tell more about our oddessy later, but by day four, after having an amazing time with his sister, niece and nephew, Elwood decided he wanted me to meet his parents, which we did on day seven? I think.

His mother took one look at me, presented us with housewarming gifts, picked out a mug that said “Daughters are special people” for my coffee, and introduced me to his sister as “your new sister-in-law.”

Today I went to visit Elwood after our first night apart *sob*. I met him at a small jewelry and art open house at his favorite neighbor’s home. Besides wanting to see him, I had the feeling that I might get a lead on a room for rent or something. I’m not thrilled about living an hour away, and neither of our places is conducive for overnights.

Right before he got there, I discovered that one of the artists had listed her house earlier that day. Even though I knew it was probably way over my price range, I got pretty excited. As Elwood walked me to my car so I could put my new treasures away, and I told him I wanted to buy it. He laughed and said let me feed the dogs, first, and then we can take a walk.

We spent the evening strolling through the neighborhood, and he pointed out all the houses on Zillow that I was so incensed about… the nerve of him… plotting our future that way…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted February 12, 2018 by heartofindigo in by Indigo, Uncategorized

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RUOW post: healing between Mother and Daughter   3 comments

I just got something in meditation that I would like to share here.  It is about the Original Cause of the split between the Cosmic Mother and the Cosmic Daughter that happened many aeons ago, and that we have reenacted in various ways since then.

I have been working on finding/developing/trusting my own healing process (again/still).  A part of this question/quest is how to generate income in a way that supports my healing process.  I have just launched a new business as a Professional Organizer.  I am understanding that this is not my “ultimate” career path, but that it is a good one for the moment, in that it is something that I can do now without exposing myself to more than I can handle.

As I was meditating on this, I suddenly got triggered into shame about needing acceptance and approval from the outside world.  I was triggered in two directions; one because I needed this, and part of me judges that I am “not supposed to,” and the other because I fear I will fail at this.  This also causes a lot of anxiety.

The Mother asked me to bring my focus back to her–she indicated she has some understandings to give me about the Original Cause (OC) of this.

She said that Daughters are holding “the desire to please” for all the parts.  She said that the other parts have, in the past, not accepted this part of themselves or each other.  In fact, the manifestation of the archetypal Plastic Daughter, who seems to have not real Self, but is just a Pleasure Puppet, is the outpicturing of the judgments about what pleasing another would look like.

She explained that the origins of this was the original judgment that the Mother made about herself before the Daughters split off.  When she/we were in the void, alone, feeling the absence of something, which grew in to a yearning, and intense desire for the Light, and It did not come to her, in fact seemed to reject her, she made a judgment that she was not pleasing enough to It.  This took, of course, many forms: that she was too old, ugly, damaged, dark; that there was something fundamentally wrong with her.

She judged that the only way she could “get” the Light was to please It.  And out of this judgment, a part of her said “okay, then, I will do that.  I will please It, I will draw it to me/us, and We will live Happily Ever After.”

This Part, with the help of the manifesting power of the Father of Manifestation, became that which would please the Light.  (It also became that which pleased FOM–through the power of his Gaze, she reflected what he found attractive in the Mother; she became Desirable.)

She went to the “front” of the Will, to the part that was “facing” the Light, and transformed herself, splitting like a cell splits, from the rest of the Will.  She rejected the judgments/manifestation of the parts that said they were too _____ (fill in the blank), just as those parts rejected the judgments/manifestation that they were enough.  Also, they rejected that they could or should “do” anything to attract the Light–there was a Rage there, that said they shouldn’t have to do anything, and hated the parts that “did” something to attract It, as well as the Light that was attracted to these parts.

So a huge chunk of the Will, mostly from the place that would have become the center for Passionate Love, left the rest of the Will, and was swept up in the movement towards Spirit and Body.  Unfortunately, most of Spirit and Body were rushing away from the Will, with only what would have become Their centers of Passionate Love moving in the opposite direction.

Because of the Imperative that the Will connect with Her Spirit and Her Body, manifest as her Mates, in order for Original Heart to manifest the Original Dream of One becoming Two, and then Two becoming One–the Heart parts of all sides were able to leap/fly across the growing Gap towards the Mate parts.  But of course, they did not stop and connect with Each Other, they went past themselves and this made the Splits that much more “permanent.”

Now the two parts of the Will were no longer connected.  Now they were both missing essential parts of themselves–parts that the Other Side of the split held.

What became known as the Daughter Heart part (and I’m not speaking about all of this essence, here, but a reality common to much of it) had lost the part of herself that trusted her own feelings and responses; her own Truth, in other words.

What became known as the Mother part had lost the part of herself that trusted her own romantic sexual attractiveness; her own Beauty.

Out of this simple judgment that the Will made, that she was not enough to draw the Light to her, came the outpicturing of this judgment, as this was also the time when Body was beginning to manifest what we call “thoughts” in the Will and the Light.

There was a profound consequence of this as Creation unfolded.  It is that a fundamental Reversal in the Right Relationships of the Divine Parts of Deity was unrecognized until just a few years ago.  Having a part of the Will that manifested to Please the Light (and His Body) gave Spirit and Body a false understanding that this was the Female side’s “duty.”  Though they were drawn to the rest of the Will, the Mother, as well, they still had this example of what part of them wished all of the Will was like.  And they used this to try and persuade the Mother to change, and to punish her when she did not.

And they had mixed feelings about this essence–they could not help but be pleased by It, yet they resented that It did not seem to have her own “core self” that held the mystery and all of the emotions that a Whole Will would include.  They resented that relating to her was too easy–parts of them wanted to be challenged.  Of course, when the Mother challenged them they were enraged, but this was in part because the Mother challenged them without the presence of her Romantic part–it was more often her Rage that challenged them, which did not want to compromise or even hear Their side at all.

Daughter Heat became more and more confused–she could not win, whether she enacted her Prime Directive of Pleasing, or whether she failed at it.  It seemed that Somebody was angry at her no matter what she did.  She often simply tried harder–pleased more, which earned her scorn and ridicule.  Success at her job was difficult, as the job description required her to be the essence that was so perfect, beautiful, innocent and loving, that she would be recognized and rescued, no matter how dire her circumstances.

Fairy Tales were her guide, but this outpicturing of the Mother’s Dream was impossible for her to create in reality without the understanding of her position and healing of the gaps with all of the rest of the parts.

If she did achieve a public performance of her job, her private life was often Hell, embodying the original split that she arose from.  And both the Mother and the Daughter were now vulnerable to all kinds of abuse, as each carried judgments against themselves that can really only be healed as they heal the gap between them.

I am finding myself writing much more than I unpacked in my meditation today–I guess having more to unpack is what drew me to posting.  I got overwhelmed several times in my meditation, but the Mother called me back each time.  She especially wanted me to hear her talk about what was needed for healing now.  What she said was very simple, yet it was a challenge to let it emerge in my consciousness.

She said, essentially, that the Mother needs to find acceptance in herself for the Daughter, and for the “Daughter Qualities” to then manifest within herself.  She needs to reclaim her Beauty.  And the Daughter needs to reclaim her Truth.  And that we can help each other do this.  And to do that, we need to understand that it does not mean that either side will be diminished, or will loose our own gifts or disappear into the other.  We are talking about an expansion, an enrichment, an evolution in sentience and consciousness.  We are talking about bringing what has been denied out of the gap.  We are talking about forging a connection, a “Two become One,” in which we will share our stories with each other and learn and grow.

Doing this is an essential part of the process of healing for the entire Creation–as then, with a healed Mother and Daughter to relate to, Spirit, Body, and Heart will all get the reflections that they need to find their own Right Places.

When they have Women who own both their Truth and their Beauty to relate to, they will be called to heal and grow in the ways that are needed now.  When Desire and Desirable manifest together, there will be an irresistible force that will draw us all into healing and balance.

Fairies vs. Wizards   Leave a comment

I wrote this on Monday night.

The DID Conference was great, but it was also emotionally exhausting.  I felt the gamut from being really proud to have DID, as it is a testament to the tenacity of the human mind, to really hating that I have DID, because it can be so painful and confusing and disruptive.  It’s hard to have “a life” when I have so many lives to fit into each week.

I also got triggered early on the second day, by some unfortunate interactions with a session leader, and despite using the tools I have been learning, it cascaded to a bad place Sunday night.  Fortunately, DH and the affected alter were able to figure out some new techniques, involving a giant STOP sign, magical superpowers, and invoking God’s decree that nobody can override anybody else against their will.

I slept in until 2:00pm Monday, while DH and my folks hung out and he explained what was going on with me.  After I got up, we spent the rest of the day debriefing the conference.  We are all pretty fired up to do what we can to raise awareness of DID, educate people, and hopefully impact, in some small way, the stigma that goes along with this particular “mental illness.”  So we talked about what my boundaries and preferences are in terms of them sharing, and essentially “outing” me.

I’ve already been through this process once, when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 1995.  Obviously, that was a life-changing event.  I felt a mix of relief and shock at first.  Relief that I had an explanation for why I was having such a hard time coping with life.  The shock, however, took a couple of years to fully wear off.  I had to go through a “grief cycle”—more than one, really.  One book that normalized this was Grieving Mental Illness, by Virginia Lafond.

I think I might need to reread it now.  The conference has brought the reality of DID home, especially as my family has been here to learn along with me.  One of the highlights of the conference was listening to Madison Clell’s hilarious presentation of her journey.  She coped by writing comic books about her diagnosis, which were then developed into a play that she starred in.  One of my favorite lines was her Mother’s reaction when Madison went out to lunch with her and told her she had DID over cake.

“You mean like Ted Bundy?” her Mom exclaimed.

Madison said that there was no way that a person with DID could be a serial killer, because “we aren’t that consistent!”

The laugh my family shared about that was priceless.

One of the ironies of the conference was that it was, for the most part, an adult space.  But I haven’t been able to stay in my adult self consistently since I got triggered Sunday morning.  It’s kind of nice to be able to sit here and reflect from a grown up perspective as the sun comes up.  I really wanted to get up early today, because Dear Mom (DM) and I are going to Dizzyland!!!

We were originally planning on the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal, but it is small and crowds are large, so there are often long lines to just get into the stores, let alone the main ride.  I’ve been a little bit (okay, a lot) apprehensive that this might be more stressful than fun, even though we are off-season and planned to go at the dinner hour.  I showed everybody the website last night, which is so elaborate that you almost feel like you have gone to the attraction.  It has a really cool fly-over tour, prompting DH and DH to simultaneously come up with the same idea that they could save the $81 bucks, and just go to Google Earth for a do-it-yourself ride.

As I was explaining the appeal to my folks, that kids who grew up with the series had always fantasized about being inside that world, I realized that my Littles hadn’t grown up with Harry Potter.  My Littles grew up with Disney—and as soon as that came out of my mouth, I realized that we would much rather go back to Disneyland!  Even if Tinkerbelle isn’t gonna fly tonight.

It was hard to sleep, between the Littles figuring out which rides they wanted to go to and the Bigs processing the weekend (and me thinking about blogging).  I wish that we could do the “meet the Princess” thing, but I’m guessing they kind of frown at adults participating in that.  So we will have to be satisfied with visiting Cinderella’s Castle and the Peter Pan Ride and the Pooh Movie and shopping on Main Street.

Updated Friday afternoon:

We got to meet the Princesses!  They were very gracious.  Aurora asked me where my Kingdom was.  She had never heard of Atlanta.  We were so excited to meet Cinderella that I can’t remember a word of our conversation.  Belle asked me where my Beast was.  I said he was at Cape Canaveral with the King.  She said her Beast was taking a nap.  Pictures to come.

We also got to see Tinkerbelle do her fly by before the fireworks.  Definitely a thrill.  We went to bed exhausted, but totally satisfied.

Posted February 11, 2011 by heartofindigo in by Indigo, written by

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  1 comment

I’m sitting in a hotel room in Orlando, appreciating a few minutes of quiet before the SuperBowl starts.  I’ve just spent two amazing days at An Infinite Mind‘s inaugural Dissociative Identity Disorder Conference.  It was the very first of it’s kind; by, for, and about folks with DID.  Supporters and Mental Health professionals were welcomed as well.  My parents and DH joined me.  We all got so much out of it on so many levels.  I’m feeling very grateful.

Most of us there have never met another person with DID, let alone been in a room full of us.  And it was the first time that many of us have been addressed as… how do I put it?  I hesitate to use the word “consumer group,” though it is somewhat better than “patient group,” as it implies that we have the power to make decisions about our care.  We, of course, are more than consumers.  And I guess that was the point.  We were being addressed as Whole People, with the same needs and rights and intelligence as anyone else.  It is the first time I have been able to “come out” to strangers, without having to flinch, or having to field questions, or having to brace for other’s reactions, or worst of all, be met with the denial of one of the primary qualities of my existence.  As Jamie put it in her closing remarks, we were in a space of acceptance.

It was still very scary and overwhelming for me.  It triggered many thoughts and feelings in a short period of time, with little time to process them.  We were encouraged to take care of ourselves, which I did, by going to the “quiet room,” or just dropping out of the conference for a while.  I have a lot of debriefing and digesting to do.  And I am hoping that I will be able to do some of this here, so that I can share what I have learned.

 

Posted February 6, 2011 by heartofindigo in by Indigo

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TV show alert? never mind!   Leave a comment

Thank you everyone for your notes of support.  It’s shifted my perspective when some of you said “me too!”  I really am not as alone as I thought I was!

It just occurred to me that this would be a good place to let y’all know about a new documentary film about DID that has it’s broadcast debut tonight on the CBC News Network at 10:00pm ET/PT: When The Devil Knocks.  As time is short, I’ll close this for now and write more later.

oops, sorry, that’s the CBC news network, not CBS.  As in the Canadian Broadcast Corporation.  My US friends won’t be able to get it.  Some of The Passionate Eye’s documentaries are available online, and if this one shows up there, I’ll let you know.

Posted January 26, 2011 by heartofindigo in Uncategorized

Are you writing this down?   5 comments

I saw Sherry Turkle on the Colbert Report last week.  She wrote a book about how technology alienates us from each other.  The kids she interviewed said that they were exhausted from having to “perform a self” on Facebook.  This really struck a chord for me.  I thought about how I automatically censor myself every time I think about updating my status.  I only update with things that make me look good.  Or at least not too crazy.  I fear inadvertently burning some bridge that I might want to cross in the future.

Yet at the same time, the very nature of “self as performance” is one of the things that draws me to listserves, forums, and blogging.  Knowing that I am going to present something, a piece of my story, that will be witnessed and judged by an audience I care about motivates me to reframe what is happening to me in my own mind.

Knowing that others will relate to it, in one way or another, makes it suddenly less personal.  I’m not alone anymore.  And this makes it easier to find the humor in the situation.  Difficult things become funny in retrospect–and this process happens much faster when I know I’m gonna report it in tonight’s entry.

I also find myself looking for the lesson in it–what gem can I discover and pass on?  Sometimes I figure these out for myself, and others are from something I’ve encountered that day.  If you’ve ever pretended to be starring in a “how to” spot on TV while doing some onerous task (folding laundry is my favorite) you know how imaginary teaching can elevate the mundane.

And there is “being seen;” having a sense that there is somebody out there who heard the tree fall in the forest.

The dangers, of course, are rejection, and the dependency on this kind of interaction that does not allow for true intimacy.  There was a time in my life when, because the relatively few people who shared my interests, I depended on listserves to be in touch with my peeps.  The emails were both a blessing and a curse.  I found myself unsatisfied in a way that I could not identify, and tried to cure this by emailing “harder.”  It was like eating Subtraction Stew, the more I looked to my online interactions to fill my need for connection, the more desperate for connection I became.  I was hooked, and it was really hard to finally pull away.

What prompted my to start today, however, was being reminded of my purpose in life last night.  Having crawled into bed, with no intention except to try to fall sleep, I picked up one of Dear Hubby’s (DH’s) esoteric books: Serpent of Light by Drunvalo Melchizedek.  Several hours later, I was sitting bolt upright at the dining room table, impatient for DH to wake up so I could tell him what I remembered.  Or rather, that I had remembered, because he had been holding on to what I had forgotten all along–my raison d’etre, my purpose, my Prime Directive–that I’m on a mission… from God.

In his book, Drunvalo tells the story of some ceremonial work he and others have been doing to prepare the Planet for the shift that happens every 25,920 years, as the axis of the Earth tips from pointing away from the Galactic Center of our Galexy to falling towards it.  This is the basis of the big hubbub about December 21, 2012, when, depending on whose perspective you are listening to, it is the End of the World, or the Beginning of the New Age.  This is the shift to the Age of Aquarius that we have been singing about for the last forty years.  This is what the Mayan Calendar has been counting towards for a long, long time.  The transition from the Masculine ascendancy to a way of being and living that honors the Feminine.

So anyway, it’s a very cool story, and one of the qualities of his adventures is how things developed in perfect yet unpredictable ways–in The Unfolding of the Perfection of Creation as DH is fond of saying.  A.K.A. the Tao, Synchronicity, Flow, etc.  This shows up in my life when I am on my path, and am listening to that still small voice for guidance.  It happens when my inner and outer worlds are “in synch,” and all of my large and small parts are aligned.

It’s been very difficult to stay in touch with Big Me lately, because I have been “in the trenches” with the more damaged and less evolved parts of myself.  We all have them, but mine are less connected to each other than most people, because of trauma I experienced as a child and continued to encounter as an adult.  Being internally divided has it’s Dark and Light sides, but it has always been “interesting.”

“Are you writing all this down?” is a refrain I hear from my Mom, as I share with her the ups and downs of my daily life when I am coherent enough to make a phone call.

“Yes,” I say.  Bit it’s been in bits and pieces.  A post on one of the many forums I visit.  A journal entry.  Notes made in my therapist’s office.  A scrapbook page by and/or for one of my alters.  Fragmented, like my memory, like my life.

I want congruence.  I want to have one place where I can be all of myself, with more authenticity and less posturing.  I want a place that is the gathering point for all of the threads I am following, a focus of light for the Inspiration I am able to receive, a place where I can tell my story in the here and now and try to understand what the hell is happening in me/to me/for me/by me.  I want a place where I don’t have to lie, where I don’t have to respond to other’s queries of how I am doing in a way that won’t blow their mind.

I’m tired of being careful.  Fuck it–the truth is, I’m EXHAUSTED by being careful. I’m not going to try to fit in a box, thinking about my audience as I go. I’m just going to let it all hang out.

Some things will make sense to my Right Use of Will peeps, some to my BiPolar peeps, some to my Dissociative Identity peeps, some to my Indigo peeps, some to my Facilitator peeps, some to my Intentional Community peeps, some to my Peak Oil peeps, some to my Bay Area peeps, some to my Weight Loss and Fitness peeps, some to my Scrapbooking peeps, some to my Decluttering peeps, some to my Recovery peeps, some to my Boogie peeps, some to my On Line peeps, some to my Atlanta peeps, some to my Tennessee peeps, some to my Peeps peeps…

I have always identified as a “bridge person,” one who makes connections between things, people, groups, schools of thought… and I have more recently come to value the unique combination of experiences and understandings that each person brings to the table.  So maybe you, Beloved Reader, will find some value here too.  I hope so.

~Sapphire & Indigo

Posted January 23, 2011 by heartofindigo in by Indigo, by Sapphire

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